Parents have a favorite child, but it’s not who you think

Do parents have a favorite child? Many parents will tell you that they don’t, but children often beg to differ with their siblings, suspecting that the other is truly the most loved.

It turns out that the kids are kind of right. Parents do have a preference, but it’s normally not who children think it is — and whoever their “favorite” is could have an impact on their health.

“The very large majority of both mothers and fathers are willing to say that there is a child that they are closer to, prefer to confide in, prefer as a caregiver, have more conflict with and have more pride in,” Jill Suitor, a professor of sociology at Purdue University told TODAY Parents. “Most of the time the children’s perceptions are wrong.”

For the past two decades Suitor and her colleagues have been looking at familial relationships as part of an ongoing study. When the researchers first started and interviewed hundreds of families, they wondered if the parents of adult children would admit to having a beloved child.

The researchers aren’t examining this information to create strife in families. Understanding parent and adult-child bonds is important for the health of everyone.

“Children are even more likely to think that their parents have these preferences,” she explained. “Adult children think about it quite a bit and it affects their relationships with their siblings and their own psychological well-being.”

But what child a parent prefers has more to do with their own priorities than what society considers a success. Parents feel closer to the child who shares the same values. While children might think the sibling with the fancy education who makes the big money takes the prize, that’s not often the case. “Moms are much more likely to be closer to children, for example, who go out of their way to be nice to her, who seem very concerned about the family, who help their siblings, than the kid who went to Harvard law school and makes lots of money,” she said. “It’s much more likely that mom’s really proud of whichever child has been either extremely engaged in the family or has again gone out of their way to be helpful.”

By helping adult children understand that they’re often wrong about parents playing favorites, Suitor hopes her research can reduce conflict among siblings and improve caregiving situations for parents.